You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s

It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. 

 You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. 

But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. 

Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening. 

 Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily. You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth. 

 You want to meet all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a strange places maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good or it feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bona fide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room, draw your stupid drawings in your stupid room, and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. 

You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage. Stop thinking that everyone is having more life than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true ( it might be ! ) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. 

You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything. I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life.

 I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it. 

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it. 

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today? 

We shall see. 

 by Ryan O’Connell



this blog has been quite dusty since my last post somewhere in March 2012, if im not mistaken

my mood for writing was a little hem, buried under these hectic daily basis. yes, hectic. madnessly hectic. where my daily basis used to be so lame ass that i often seek for some adventures and troubles. but now,  not anymore. degree life that i currently facing is making my life so chaotic, i dont even have a time to breath and feel every moment that passing by. time seems moving so fast, i becoming more heartless and senseless, and yeah everything that ive done seems aimless.

escape button is needed.


the act of heating the car's engine before we start to drive to prevent the engine from getting stall or damaged. we only using 10% of our brain. reading in the dim lights or watching telly too close can damage your eyes. 

youve been living in lies.

warming up cars engine before start to drive actu­ally hurt­ing your engine and pol­lut­ing the envi­ron­ment the most by let­ting your cold engine idle. if we did use only 10 percent of our brains we’d be close to dead. and NO, reading in the dim lights or watching telly too close do not damage your eyes at all. all have been scientifically proved.

the point of statements above are not to make you feel stupid or anything.
but to feel scared.

scared with the fact that we simply believe in what people around us or the medias keep telling us just because its sounds true and intelligent. we didnt search, we didnt dig, we didnt find it out by ourselves. we just absorb. we just sit there and listen and easily apply it in our life just because people say it so and do not have curiosity of finding it out whether its true or otherwise. this lackness of awareness and knowledge will benefit villains or some people or asscociation who have negative agendas

this is what i witnessed in our society nowadays. and to be admit, i often fell in it too.

why so care ?

dear stranger, yes you

i dont and never in a second of my life give a shit about you. in fact, i dont even know you. while you, gave bunch of shit about me. thank you for giving so much care and for all of your false filthy gossips. i dont deal with gossips. because its a big joke. and its for children. hey tell you what, world will be much better place without gossips. and i hope you notice that.

yours truly,
dont know dont care whatever


If you close your eyes and lucky enough, you will see a shapeless pool of lovely pale colours suspended in the darkness. then if you squeeze your eyes tighter, the pool begins to take shape. and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must catch on fire.

but just before they catch on fire, just before they do. you will see it. you will see a pirate. and an indian. and the fairy. and the boy who refuse to grow up. a boy whom every moment that passes feels like a long time ago. and when you look at him long enough, you might see his hair becoming white. or you might notice that the youthful lights in his eye, is only just a light from the carousel.

and the light from the carousel is only just a light, hanging in the darkness somewhere. in a story. a story about a place you believe in, a long time ago. when you were young, and happy, and heartless.

J. M Barrie

the book of love


the worthiest notebook i ever bought. unlike most of costly and pricey notebook/sketchbook that have adorable and artsy krafty cover design come with small size which  didnt worth the price, this son of a beach cost me only rm8 something cent. with slightly bigger than the size of usual notebook with two different parts, half of this book is sketch papers and the other half is lined papers, this book is a winner. its a sheets of kraft papers that doesnt leave the pencil's graphites marks easily and hard to get ripped after million times of erase.

stuff i have drawn in this notebook for the past two months.
(there a several others that i didnt show due to it personal content hehe)

based on the title of the Noah and The Whale album, Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down.
based on my own pair of shoes. i didnt wear it much because of it striking turquoise colour. 

based on my own sudden random thoughts on human lungs. the bronchioles in our lungs would grow some colourful flowers and leaves, if we can really do inhale happiness.

favourite line from the favourite tracks.

based on my favourite scene in season one of Skins where Chris, a heavy stoner feed his fish with some pills and weeds. i found this scene pretty hilarious.

The Adventureless of SF

the end of one of the chapter in the adventeourless book of Syafinas Fuaad. its the chapter where an ordinary  yet uncoordinated university student who have finished her diploma and the two years of adventourless and bewildered youth with the most nicest friends that she possibly can get and the atmosphere of green rural area of Kuala Pilah that synonym wit the strong village cultures, nature and farm animals. while others are busy to get over this as soon as possible, she on the other hand was a little bit upset, that she soon will be leaving this and got no clue at all  how the new chapter might become. the beginning is here.

what is the plot of the new chapter, who will shes going to meet, who is she going to be friends with, is she will be doom  in the new chapter or there will  be the victorous point in it. or most likely, will she be as lifeless as ever. 

suddenly she realise. all of the shits above is not important
she have no other desire than being happy and become a better person
and she is working hard for it


a friend

you run to the bookstore and wish you could find a book that can be its substitute
or you just simply wish that you never finish reading it.

its broken beyond repair; its in a million little pieces


i forgot me. give me back my -self

fat cat

this is me, trying to get into the cat-mood, impersonalise their character.
i am so in love with cats that i dare myself to admit this, i like cats more than babies.

everything about this felis catus i craze about. the way they lick their furr and never get tired of it. the way they sleep in effortlessly innocent way. their phobiatic reaction toward water. their carelessly unaware of our harsh words toward them when they make terrible things and feel un-guilty at all. the way they scratch our sofas. the way their ears move backward when they feel annoyed or angry. the way they wrenching their bodies. the way their paw lies on your hands. the way they fight with each other. the way their tail move. the colour of their eyes. their super high curiosity level that might kill them. the way they purr when the feel comfortable and in state of happiness. and last but not least, the fact that they cant eat chocolate (or else they might die) but can still be happy.

even in a million years or in another life, or getting trough several of incarnation. i will never be a cat. nutella and nips and magnum almond chocolate ice cream and cadbury booster define heavens.

p/s : i cut my hair, it felt nothing.